Diary!!

This is the start of the end.

16/11/25 boohooo edgy shittt.
17/11/25 today i went on a kind of date with him. im still not really used to being around him again. He’s very touchy, which makes me a little uncomfortable, but he’s not mean. It honestly wasn’t that bad, we ate good food and talked a bit. He kept insisting on hugging, but again, im still not used to all of this, and im not even sure if i still like him. All of this is tiring honestly, everyone expects something from me. I wish i could live without worrying about anything.
18/11/25 i'm still not sure about my feelings. I genuinely get jealous when other people spend time with lucas, istg bruh im so miserable like plz we didn’t even do anything special outside of talking during summer break and sending each other tiktoks like brjzkfejz it’s literally nothing, so why do i get so jealous of océane eating with him and going to his house heuhhfhg idk... i just really feel like a freak cuz why would you act like this over someone who doesn’t even care about you. Plus lately we’ve been talking less since he got his pc back, and even with that i still look forward to the days we get to walk together with the others, but even that hasn’t been possible since we don’t get out of school at the same time, sigh. The thing is im not calling myself a creep for no reason, im not trying to degrade myself on purpose, it’s just that i even fantasize about him sometimes, and i get sad about him not talking much to me anymore. Anyways... this is honestly embarrassing
06/12/25 i had written things in here but i think i forgot to save and it didn’t keep the text. Anyways today Anneanne died, may Allah grant her paradise... everything feels so weird like hhhhh istg this cannot get any worse. im back with my ex, he’s not bad but i don’t think i actually love him, or at least not that much, and we’re slowly getting back into our old bad habits, which isn’t good, but it’s okay ig. Tomorrow is lucas’s birthday and océane was supposed to come but idk, once again after buying his gift together she’s saying she can’t come and we don’t know the reason. The problem with her is that you can never really get close to her, it’s too hard and annoying, and i think im kind of jealous too. Like she has a friend who forces her to come and is always behind her and stuff. Right now annabelle keeps messaging me about océane, trying to understand why she’s like this, why she doesn’t want to come, and doing so much just to make her come, meanwhile all my actual close friends are in other schools and im kind of stuck in a trio with a duo in it. Don’t get me wrong, both of them are really sweet, but it’s always like this for me ig, i just feel so out of place with the whole group. I also think im not a good friend, i have a lot of jealousy and envy, especially when it comes to lucas. Like bro this is so embarrassing to admit but istggggg i hate this, why am i even like this. Like bruh océane likes him and annabelle told me that marco said last year that lucas was interested too but that he was too shy. Knowing this makes me sad and envious in a way, i wish i was her cuz it feels like everyone cares about her. I also don’t understand why she’s making such a big deal about not wanting to come because there will be too many people, like dude she kept saying “idk idk idk” again and again to annabelle asking her why she can’t come, all that just for it to be because she’s too “scared” since there will be too many people. Like dudeeeee please you’re not asocial, why are you acting like this, it’s the birthday of your crush and you’re acting like this. Man. idk maybe im the problem. Ugh anyways this shit’s so cornyyyy
30/12/25 hi im back, life’s been okay these past few days. ayoub hasn’t been annoying since i gave him my accounts, we’re acting kinda like a normal couple and it’s cute. Tomorrow im celebrating new year with my friends at paloma’s house, im planning on actually dressing up, trying to look good, and wearing clothes i wouldn’t usually wear. Yesterday i randomly went out with lucas, i just told him i was hungry and wanted to eat carpe frites. He said okay but we ended up realizing the christmas market had already closed. At first he was like ff, but then i started talking to him about random shit, we had a little convo and when it was about to end i just bluntly told him “get your ass in poulaillon, we’re going to eat crêpes”, which neither of us even chose to eat becauseeee why not?? Anyway... it was really fun, we hadn’t hung out in a while just the two of us, and there wasn’t any tension, which i usually get when it’s just me and someone else. We laughed a lot, talked about random shit again, i guess that’s just how we are. I just love seeing him laugh, even tho he laughs at literally everything. I could just look at him in the eyes and squint and he’ll laugh (same), really cute. At the end of our little hangout i asked him if he was interested in anyone, which could’ve been interpreted weirdly but he took it well. He said no, and i kept saying “really?” in a curious, mocking way like 15 times and he still said no, which made me kinda happy ngl. Cuz omg i get pissed off at océane so easily, like girl i asked you in a super normal way if you wanted something serious with lucas and she completely ignored the question and just asked “why?”. I told her i had thought about it the night before, thinking about the convo we had with her a few months ago. She just replied “oh okay” and didn’t answer my question at all. Me (an absolute dumbass) double-texted her with “sooo?” (about my question). It’s been a few days and im still left on delivered LOL, like bruh why take it so personally, if you don’t want to tell me just say you’re uncomfortable omg
10/01/26 yo i’ve been wanting to write in here for a long time now, but i guess the right time is now. i’m so sick of all of this shit genuinely. why do i have to care so much about things? it literally makes me physically sick, like my heart dropping to my stomach. it’s so annoying. i’m hating my high school years. i have to invite myself to things otherwise i’m MOST of the time not invited. i’m fucking SICK of oceane’s behavior, always so fucking distant. i’m not even trying to be hateful, but i don’t want to chase people like i’m some type of dog. like from now on, i won’t be asking if i can come. if they don’t invite me, i won’t come. period. LMAO not like they even care if i come or not anyway. i feel like some type of impostor in all of this. i’m literally such a clown. all of this just to feel included. i’m doing so much just to know the bare minimum about their shit, meanwhile oceane does absolutely nothing and yet knows everything. i’m fucking SICK. i had just started to have a good friend group and high school had to ruin everything. i tried talking about it to ayoub, telling him how i didn’t like high school because of that, on top of all the homework they give us since we’re in a private school, and instead of comforting me like a normal person he tried to read through me like he knows everything, which is ABSOLUTELY annoying, and then he told me i just didn’t like it because i didn’t have a friend group, which IS true, but i also just have too many stressful events coming up. and the fact that i can’t rely on my friends to get that out, and having to do everything with my boyfriend, is tiring, especially considering he’ll try to read through me ONCE AGAIN and find a way to criticize me. i’m so fucking sick, man. i just want to cry and cut myself. everything is draining. i know i’m overreacting, but i swear this is exhausting. i’m sorry for seeming so pessimistic all the time, but i don’t have anything good relationship-wise right now, romantic or friends. all i wanted from you was for you to tell me that everything will be okay eventually and that i don’t have to act that way with them and that i can just act like myself instead of putting on a facade. (update) 11/01/26 we talked more with ayoub yesterday he told me to tell him how i feel and thzt he preferd me craz-shing out on him than not talking at all, wasn't bad explained a little how i felt about some things but yeah found out that lycasd isn't interesdted in oceane because of her passiv behavior so i don't really know i he actually likes her but is sad about how she acts soooo idkdkdkd i'd be kinda upset if he does like her even though im like her but 5x better in everything which includes drawings, interests, friendliness, etc... lmfzo im starting to become such a hater but i don't even care atp if she really wanted something then she has to move her ass
Halooooo ! So, news for today: today, like most Thursdays, I ate with Lucas. 70% of the time, Océane comes with us too, but today, despite me insisting, she didn’t come. SOOO, I went with Lucas to eat kebab. The problem with kebabs is that I can’t eat them properly for the life of me, and since I hate the feeling of sauce on my mouth, I use my tissue like every 2 seconds. I get shy asf. Anyways, why am I going into details… When we were eating, I was just showing random stuff to him, and after that, I started talking about how one day I wanted to read a nerd Armin fanfic on AO3 during class and that I fell into a fanfic that had weird ass kinks like obesity, feeding, etc. We started talking about kinks, and I went, “So, tell your kinks.” He got all shy, smiling and stuff, and I told him, “Come on, don’t act shy.” He wouldn’t tell, so he just said, “Wait, let me search up a list.” So he did and started reading them, and I was asking him which ones he liked. I swear, it was so funny, and since I have no shame, I told him mine. Like, it’s so freaking normal to talk about your kinks with your hb. When it was about time for me to go, I just went next to him, and since he was sitting on a chair, I was kinda leaning towards him. I acted like one of the kinks he was reading was interesting, and I swear there was tension. It was so funky. Then, when I really had to leave, I did what I was thinking about. I was already being kinda touchy, so I just said, “Okay, I gotta go now,” and I just pet him on the head like a freaking dog. It was so funny, BHJHAHAH, so cuttetete. And he then, like, smiled like he never did. Bro, I swear he’s so cute and just said, “Don’t be late to your class, walk faster,” all cute and stuff. Bro, I just want to freaking eat him; he’s so cute. URGH, I want him so bad. I need him on a freaking leash. I want to pet him like a little animal, bite him. Bro, I swear he’s just… ahbjaflalejeljkg. I know at the end of the day he’s just like every other boy, but bro, I swear he’s just perfect physically. I want to see his body, touch him like not even in a sexual way his body just seens like so smooth bro istg its making me crazy i dont eeven knwo if this is limerance/ obession or that i just like him but its so bad bruuuh

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